Sticky Side of Heaven


Please feel free to respond to any of my thoughts. I love interactive discussion!
My e-mail is liltoad2000@aol.com.

 
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Anyone ever seen me really upset? The screaming mad, "I've had it!" kind of upset? I think for me when I'm mad, I look exactly the same as when I'm not. Funny. I wish I could tell you all about why I am mad but it involves my professional life. I am not at liberty to publish those things which involve colleagues or clients. I can, however, talk about how I feel and what I plan to do about it. The basic reason that I am upset is that I have been insulted and a colleague of mine was insulted. I could probably take the insult directed at myself quite well but the subtle attack on my colleague which was indirectly aimed at myself as well, is not going to go down well. I haven't been able to address the issue directly with the offender for various reasons. Part of the problem is that there are a lot of politics involved and I'm not sure who to turn to for help, advice or a outside perspective. I'm going to guess that a professional who has no connection to this place is going to be my best bet. That may cost me some money...oh well. I am learning a great deal about "How to Deal with Difficult People." I really pity this person and can observe some possible symptoms of mental disorders that allow functional operation in a professional setting, but only with a sheer lack of personal rapport. So why do I have to be the one dealing with this person and 'learning about life.' Grrr...

Wrote the above paragraph this afternoon...its about 9:30 now. Lots of thoughts that I want to put down. The first is my good news, I signed a lease tonight!!!! YAY! Whoohoo! I have been living in a hotel for 6 weeks now and am completely ready to settle into a house. This house is part of a duplex and has three bedrooms. I'll be looking for a roomie later to help with the rent. The landlord is wonderful! I can't even begin to tell you all the kind things he has said and done in the few short times I have met him. Most recently tonight he told me that I wouldn't have to pay any rent for Sept...'we will start fresh in Oct' I was floored, it meant a lot to me because money is so tight. The other thing he said tonight was that he was going to ask his neighbor if she would mind if he put up a fence so that my dog could have a place to run around in! For me, that goes above and beyond simple kindness. It was an act of caring for a fellow human being without being concerned about his own benefit. I wanted to shed a few tears at his consideration and am busy trying to think of a way to return his kind thoughts.

For an oddball reason, I was thinking today about why I wasn't in a committed relationship. A friend of mine told me she was dating this very successful man and for a brief moment I felt a little envious. I wondered why I didn't date anyone, especially someone who has attained a professional carreer similar to mine. I guess the thought that ran through my mind first was that 'successful' men only date 'trophy' women (I'm chock full o' stereotypes, which I acknowledge and then discard on a case by case basis). So right now, this is the stereotype that I believe in. I simply cannot imagine someone looking at me and seeing an attractive woman that they might want to date. I don't fit the external profile of a beautiful woman. Everytime I meet someone and begin to imagine that there might be some interest, I am eventually proven wrong. It is incredibly embarassing, even though no one might be aware of my thoughts (can't trust that body language tho...its gotten me in trouble before without my being aware of it). So now when I meet new people and my mind starts imagining the possibilities, I say to myself very very firmly "Stop it! This train of thought can only lead to hurt or embarassment, and you are not the type of woman people are initially attracted to." It saves so much trouble and heartache for me if I can nip my thoughts in the bud.

Now, I know that all that talk makes it look like I am longing for someone to make a commitment with and get married or something...NOT! That would ruin everything. I just want someone to hold my hand when we pick out paint colors for the walls or provide a haven for when Will has been particularly tiresome. My observations of most couples is that they do well as a couple until they are committed...then the whole thing falls apart. I don't want to do that to Will, or myself. I do have a lot more to say on the subject however it is getting way past my bedtime and I still have some things to do before I snore. There's a song that has been running around in my head all day, maybe if I put it down here it'll go away.

Roses are red, dear.
Violets are blue.
Angels in heaven
know I love you.

Angels in heaven
know I love you, dear.
Angels in heaven
know I love you.

Don't know who wrote it or where it came from but I sang it this morning to wake up Will...he seemed to like it. If you know who wrote/sang this song, please e-mail me and I'll post the credits.
posted by Candice at 12:11 PM