Sticky Side of Heaven


Please feel free to respond to any of my thoughts. I love interactive discussion!
My e-mail is liltoad2000@aol.com.

 
Went to church this morning. Universalist Unitarian something or other. It's strange how every time I go there, the sermon speaks to the issue that I'm grappling with. This week happened to be about friends whom I considered to be closer than family. Somehow, somewhere I've done something to screw up my friendship with them. I honest to goodness wish I knew what I have done. I thought it was all in my mind, but I've been here in town for over a month now and they've not made any gestures of friendship or acknowledged mine. It hurts deeply and has left me a very insecure mess, I'm afraid. Everything in my past is suspect...what have I done? Am I doing it now, am I inconsiderate? rude? do I smell? maybe I talk to much? to loudly? too fat? too inappropriate? I advise people when I start to get to know them...don't ever fall in love with me or care too much, somehow I always end up hurting those close to me. Where are all the classes on Life 101 that tell you about relationships and give you feedback on your behavior? The pain of losing a friend, especially for unknown reasons, has been terrible. I don't trust anyone now. And it makes me angry, I'm not such a horrible person. After all, isn't that what friends are for? to know each other and love each other anyway? There isn't anything I wouldn't have done for my friends. I feel they abandoned me, just after I moved to a strange city with my son, where I don't know anyone else and have now been living in a hotel for over a month. I would be ashamed of myself if I did that to a friend of mine. I'm not asking them to let me move in with them, I'm not that needy. I just want someone to join me in coffee once in a while...support. Is that too much to ask of a friend?

Anyway, I'm not wallowing in self-pity, just letting out some of those emotions that go banging around inside. Seems if you let them out, they don't ricochet quite so much. Other news: Tonight is my fifth smoke-free night. Most of the time it doesn't bother me...I've never felt physically addicted. But, boy I'll tell you, when Will has made mess after mess and is screaming his head off, nothing seems more desirable than to go outside and have a smoke. There's something very satisfying about smoking, makes it seem like I have a handle on life. "I may be killing myself softly, but I'm enjoying the process." If smoking weren’t bad for me, I'd be doing it. But, as it were, it is bad and this is my fifth night, yay me!

Will was particularly trying tonight. I've been trying to do laundry tonight and get ready for the week. It's going to be a long one because in addition to the 50+ work hours, I'll also be moving into an apartment. So I need to hire movers and set up utilities and sign the lease...ad nauseum. So here I am trying to do all this and Will is running around like a maniac, mess to mess to mess and then is constantly on the computer no matter how I try to redirect him. It is all I can do to keep from yelling at him. Last thing I need is for him to see that he has some emotional control over me. How can someone so small drive me to such distraction? And people wonder why I enjoy going to work so much. I get to drop Will off at daycare which is set up distinctly for his enjoyment and education. There he doesn't hear 'no!' quite so much. At work I may be 'cleaning up people's messes' figuratively, but at least there's a time limit on their sessions and I can have a break in between. You know, going to the bathroom privately, without having Will trying to sit on my lap or help me with the toilet paper is such a luxury. I know society expects me to have a guilt trip for leaving my son in daycare so much, but I don't. I leave that up to his father. Whom has never seen Will, ever. Wellll, he did see the ultrasound pictures, does that count? This man has never lifted one finger to help or attempted to support Will in any way. If money weren’t so tight I wouldn't care. In a few years when I have a real job, I won't want the burden of child support. It really eats at me that this guy isn't involved at all. What if in ten years he has an attack of conscience and decides to waltz into Will's life? I want him involved now. Do his parents know? Would they want to be involved? Should I contact them? I try not to think about most of this stuff too often...work really help by keeping me busy.

The Jewish Book of Life is closing soon...I hope that my list of good deeds is longer than my list of bad, even if only by a small margin. I think I did a good deed today, I can't describe it cause I don't want the person to know as it was anonymous...but the good intention was there, I hope they can see that.

Heh, I could go on and on and on but I need to get up in a few short hours. I know this post was long and I expect the next few to be fairly long. I'm hoping that after a few weeks of this that my thoughts will become more focused as I get the bulk of this jumbled mess that is me out onto the post. Sort of a 'purge'. Then maybe someday I'll "Empty the Recycle Bin" and free up all that space inside.


(Note to myself: Nana would like for you to put down the story of your life or death trip to Mystic Lake before you forget too much of it.)
posted by Candice at 9:21 PM