Sticky Side of Heaven


Please feel free to respond to any of my thoughts. I love interactive discussion!
My e-mail is liltoad2000@aol.com.

 
Every night when I put Will to bed, I stay with him until he falls asleep. I still convince myself that he's not big enough to face the scary dark all by himself (never mind that he's not afraid of the dark...his mom is!) Anyway, I use that hour to just be quiet and let my thoughts roam...kind of a western style meditation that I'm really good at. For some reason, my thoughts lit onto what I would do if I met a famous movie star. I was trying to use all my psychological knowledge to get inside the head and psyche of a famous person. I have all these ideas of the typical profile of a star and basically I decided that there was nothing I could say that would make me stand out from every other fan they've probably encountered. I am every other fan, just not as crazed as most. And I kinda thought, well how could I make myself special, what if I was dying of a terminal cancer and...well...my thoughts got kinda silly, I guess, but in the end I realized that there really wasn't anything special about me that wasn't also true for many other people. It seems that when young, many people dream of being something or someone, or doing something outrageously incredible and as time passes you come to the growing realization that your personal 'big bang' isn't coming, that you are going to live your life out in relative obscurity. It can be sad, maybe. It certainly makes me feel the incredible smallness of being a lone human in the great infinite universe, like a single dust speck in the Grand Canyon. All of a sudden the room felt like it was whirling and tilting through space and time with nothing to hold onto, I was a victim of my own insignificance in the great scheme of things. Who knows how long I would have wallowed in the tides of dusty universal throes, but at that utter sinking moment, my son stirred in his sleep and nestled deeper into my side. My brain turned itself inside out and considered the opposite end of the spectrum. To this tiny bundle next to me, I was the entire world. For a brief, all too brief, moment in time, no one will be more special to him than his mommy. [Currently, he won't let any other kid in daycare come near me. "That's MY mommy!" he says in the bulldog-fierce voice of a two year old]. What a paradox to simultaneously feel like universal small fry on one hand and on the other...well...Goddess of tickles and airplane rides, Creator of yummy fruit shakes. How tremendous is the responsibility of meaning EVERYTHING in the world to someone. Whatif, whatif, whatif? Yikes, I have scary thoughts I don't want to type out, there's no wood to knock on in cyberspace. Soon enough, my son will grow up and won't even want to acknowledge my existence and I'll be reduced to an insignificant speck again. That's when I'll adopt a dog.

Funnies:
- Will has decided that pulling his pants down is his new skill to practice (he is currently potty training), unfortunately he decided to practice in the produce section. I hid in the beets so no one could see me and laughed myself silly. I'm afraid I reinforced the behavior, he now thinks it's hysterical.
- He sings to me often "A b c d e f g h j l p q r t e u d v r s twinkle twinkle twinkle dee mana nana deena doo ere is umkin ere is umkin." He will do this for 15 minutes at a time.
-Tonight we went to Barnes and Noble to look for a psychology treatment book and Will discovered the escalators. We rode up and down a few times while he laughed and laughed. We get a lot of smiles from strangers. One of the attendants even demonstrated his scanner gadget thingamajig for Will.

Ooooff! Me ty ty, time to go ny ny. Hope all is well in your respective corners of the worlds! G'night folks.
posted by Candice at 8:02 PM