Sticky Side of Heaven


Please feel free to respond to any of my thoughts. I love interactive discussion!
My e-mail is liltoad2000@aol.com.

 
Whenever I give myself a good pity pity session, I inevitably feel guilty about it. I don't even allow myself to feel bad when I need to. Self-pity is a luxury. I mean, really, look at all the things I have. Technically, I have my health. I am not bed-ridden or dying of cancer or puking constantly from some disease no one has heard of. Sure my feet hurt, but damn, my grandmother has the corner on that market and you don't hear her complaining do you? So what that I can't hear? I have more hearing than most deaf people and its better than being blind, right? Sure I am financially destitute at the moment. That will change eventually as I go on to actually get a real job. I have a potential career. Sure it has cost me a lot of money and time and life, but I should reap the benefits eventually. I'm no beauty, but I also need to stop staring at the gorgeous women and look at the other 95% of the population. I'll start to feel a little more normal. It would help if I could look at everyone without judging them so harshly, especially that person I see in the mirror. I may be living off of others right now, but I am so blessed that they have the belief and the faith in me that I will re-pay them in kind or in kindness. I would like to stop shutting myself off from others for perceived hurts and keep myself open no matter how painful I perceive it to be.

I stood up for myself the other day and it was not expected by the other person or even by me and was met with resistance. But inside it felt good, it felt like for a brief moment I believed I honestly had an opinion of what I thought was best and I voiced it instead of conceding to the other person. Sure, my love life sucks, its not even existent. But with a person as wretched as me inside who would be interested. If I can change that, to be more confident, less critical, more open to life, things may change.

This is not meant to be read by anyone who knows me because it is such a small facet of who I am. I don't want to have to defend my thoughts and feelings because someone is only getting a peek at a small bit. I rarely write in here when I'm feeling good. What's the point? I want to be out and about experiencing life when I feel good, not typing at a computer screen. I also don't want the demand of writing something halfway entertaining or intelligent. I have no interest in doing that at the moment though I may get back to that in a few months or years. I have an idea for a story that could be fairly interesting but there are so many people out there clamoring to get a book published. I hate being a lemming. For some reason, if everyone else wants to do 'it' or have 'it' then I want no part of it. I can take this to an extreme level. I contradict myself a lot too so you have to take my statements with a grain of salt.
posted by Candice at 3:45 PM