Sticky Side of Heaven


Please feel free to respond to any of my thoughts. I love interactive discussion!
My e-mail is liltoad2000@aol.com.

 
I am supposed to write down what I am feeling at the moment. I have an ache in my side from sitting for too long. I feel bored and stiff. I am ready to go home but I also want to write something that will be meaningful to me. I am attempting to breathe through my heart more to help loosen it up. It is very hard and immovable from years of fear. Fear of everything from being called on in class to being yelled at by my ex-step-mother. Fear of communicating my feelings, of allowing another person to know what I am feeling. Fear of myself being invalidated, and shamed by others. It happens so often when I say something about myself, then people tell me that my statement is wrong or invalid or they have their own negative feelings. I've even been laughed at and rejected so why should I continue to display my feelings for others to do so?

Sigh, but unfortunately the consequences of my fear and uncommunicativeness are becoming physical, painful and are impeding my growth as well as potential and current relationships including that of my son. I don't want to live like this. So I will continue to try to breathe through my heart, to become more aware of how it is feeling. To allow it to guide my mind instead of the other way around.
posted by Candice at 4:33 PM

 
Whenever I give myself a good pity pity session, I inevitably feel guilty about it. I don't even allow myself to feel bad when I need to. Self-pity is a luxury. I mean, really, look at all the things I have. Technically, I have my health. I am not bed-ridden or dying of cancer or puking constantly from some disease no one has heard of. Sure my feet hurt, but damn, my grandmother has the corner on that market and you don't hear her complaining do you? So what that I can't hear? I have more hearing than most deaf people and its better than being blind, right? Sure I am financially destitute at the moment. That will change eventually as I go on to actually get a real job. I have a potential career. Sure it has cost me a lot of money and time and life, but I should reap the benefits eventually. I'm no beauty, but I also need to stop staring at the gorgeous women and look at the other 95% of the population. I'll start to feel a little more normal. It would help if I could look at everyone without judging them so harshly, especially that person I see in the mirror. I may be living off of others right now, but I am so blessed that they have the belief and the faith in me that I will re-pay them in kind or in kindness. I would like to stop shutting myself off from others for perceived hurts and keep myself open no matter how painful I perceive it to be.

I stood up for myself the other day and it was not expected by the other person or even by me and was met with resistance. But inside it felt good, it felt like for a brief moment I believed I honestly had an opinion of what I thought was best and I voiced it instead of conceding to the other person. Sure, my love life sucks, its not even existent. But with a person as wretched as me inside who would be interested. If I can change that, to be more confident, less critical, more open to life, things may change.

This is not meant to be read by anyone who knows me because it is such a small facet of who I am. I don't want to have to defend my thoughts and feelings because someone is only getting a peek at a small bit. I rarely write in here when I'm feeling good. What's the point? I want to be out and about experiencing life when I feel good, not typing at a computer screen. I also don't want the demand of writing something halfway entertaining or intelligent. I have no interest in doing that at the moment though I may get back to that in a few months or years. I have an idea for a story that could be fairly interesting but there are so many people out there clamoring to get a book published. I hate being a lemming. For some reason, if everyone else wants to do 'it' or have 'it' then I want no part of it. I can take this to an extreme level. I contradict myself a lot too so you have to take my statements with a grain of salt.
posted by Candice at 3:45 PM

 
Don't read this post. Honestly.






I am a leech of the worst kind. I ask and ask and ask for my own selfish reasons and I don't give anything back to my friends and family. I don't think of the other person. I am always and completely self-centered. I am constantly thinking about me, things that happen to me and what I think about that. My opinions are the best and if everyone could just see my point of view they would see how right they are. I judge everyone and everything from their driving to the clothes people wear to they way they drink their tea. I include myself in these judgements and can never do anything right. The words I say in conversation are always 'off', never suave or charming. I look like a pig. I can't even dress so that I look presentable. I hate looking at myself in the mirror in the mornings. I don't understand how people can look at me and not feel nauseous. Maybe they do. I have no redeeming qualities, what good is there? I know that the world would be a better place without me. This is not hard to see. My life sucks. I have no income. I am a single deaf mother who wears glasses. Can't sing or even talk quite right. I don't know how to play the piano. I have no grace in my step, no beauty in my face, twinkle in my eye. I am a financial burden on my grandparents and parents. My sister subsidises much of the 'extras' in my life. I don't have anything to show for my life or career. I don't have a significant other. In fact the one person I met in my life that I thought was the One, he wasn't interested. I haven't talked to him in 4 months and I still cry myself to sleep. I am always sick with seemingly serious things that dissapear when I step into the drs office and I step out with huge bills for others to pay. I have creditors chasing after me because of an ex-boyfriend. I have my son's father knocking on my door after a 4 year absence. I'm being charged for $6000 worth of credits that I was not allowed to take but were not taken off my record. Too boot I'm also being charged with the fees and insurance that go along with being a student, even thought I was never a student. What else? I'm fat. Did I say that yet? I don't fit into any of my clothes anymore. I want to eat healthier but I don't have the money to do that. My son still sleeps with me instead of being a big boy. I watch too much tv. My feet stink. I haven't shaved my legs in 6 months. My teeth are yellow. I have acne, big fat pimples. My hair is just a flop and my thighs are floppier. My breasts are too big and my stomach hangs out. I'm not considerate of others and rarely ask wuestions or show interest in their affairs. In fact if I could go and live in isolation with no mirrors and a mumu, I would be better off. More? My nails are unkempt and my glasses are dirty. I see spots with or without them on. I am slow in all I do, everything, slow as molasses. I have no friends in this town and probably won't ever. People have a hard time smiling at me in public. In fact I am often skipped over when waited on in line. The person behind me is called up instead. I can't do math in my head. I can't express my feelings in appropriate ways. I cry easily. I get angry but never show it to people. I self implode and make my life miserable instead. Sigh. I must end my self-stomping for now.



posted by Candice at 4:21 PM