Sticky Side of Heaven


Please feel free to respond to any of my thoughts. I love interactive discussion!
My e-mail is liltoad2000@aol.com.

 
Hey, just so you know, I really am a creative person. Every day I constantly think of cool and neat things to write in this space. However, when it comes to sitting down in front of the screen, I draw a total blank. Sigh...I just lost a page of writing, I need to figure out a better way of writing so I don't risk losing what I write before it is posted.

Anyone else have a strange week? One of those weeks where on Tuesday you could swear it felt like it should be Friday? Today feels stretched and thin, like we've gone beyond the boundaries of the week. Tomorrow might be right out of the twilight zone. Its that subconscious feeling that I've had ever since getting up, that I should have gone straight back to bed, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Everything goes wrong or is just plain odd or out of place...the day just doesn't sit on your shoulders right. From dropping my comb several times while brushing my hair to hitting every red light to saying the wrong thing in meetings.

*Warning* This is going to be a 'pity me' paragraph, skip if you don't have a strong stomach. I have a gorgeous italian co-intern whom I love dearly. We've only known each other for a few weeks but already she is a close friend, as we seem to have a lot in common. Our favorite stereotype is 'Single mothers are cheap to please.' However, it seems I'm a little cheaper than most. Tell me if you think my perspective on this is right (I'm thinking that I've finally caught my PMS depression red-handed here). This gorgeous woman has her daughter's daycare all paid for ($700/month) by the father. Her boyfriend insists on paying for a babysitter to visit every night and for a cleaning woman to come once a week. She has the time and money to have her hair done and lots of other beauty stuff. I'm lucky if I get a shower and am living off of my credit card. Once that is used up, I guess I'll try to get a loan on my car. My other friends take their clothes to the dry cleaners. I stay up late to wash and iron my clothes in the creepiest basement you've ever gotten goosebumps in. Others can go out to dinner and movies on a whim. I gave away my tv because it took up too much of my time. And forget the movies, I can't even hear them. So, I feel bad about all of this and then I feel worse because I do have so much going for me and I shouldn't be feeling bad. Who am I to complain? I could tell the tale of any of my clients and its always going to be much much worse. I have a beautiful and wonderful son. I have a house that I pay less than market value rent for. I'm involved in deaf culture, which gives my life a variety and richness it never would have had otherwise. So what if I'm stinky and tired once in a while...or my clothes are slightly wrinkled (heavens! I sound like a patient). I think I've mentioned in here that my life is pretty great most of the time. I now have a comfortable pair of shoes...makes me very happy. Which leads me to believe that my sadness right now is chemical, so I need to be understanding and supportive. Ice cream sounds nice. Hot bath, maybe, depends on Will. Good book, if I can stay awake long enough. Hmm...maybe I'll survive the night.

BTW: Will discovered his pockets yesterday! It was the cutest thing. He strolled around with both of his hands deep in his pockets, looking like a little Charlie Chaplin. We watched Dumbo at a friend's house the other night...I cried at the sad scenes like I always do while Will made truck noises while 'driving' blocks around completely oblivious to the movie. I'm glad we don't have a tv, I don't want to train him to watch it.

I also wanted to add to the serendipity discussion two things that happened this week. You tell me if they are serendipitous or just plain coincidence. The very first piece of mail I received in my new house was a catalog from H.S. Trask, a prestigious shoe company that is based in my little hometown. It was addressed to the previous occupant. How weird is that? The other coincidence.....I can't remember! Yikes. Is that serendipitous for you guys?
posted by Candice at 11:31 AM

 
(This is literally the FOURTH time I am writing this blog. My previous blogs have been wiped out by various computer errors....grrr, my swear limit for the day was broken a long time ago!)

It's been a few days since I've been on blogger (2 days, I think) and I was re-reading my old posts and laughing and feeling a bit nostalgic. Then my brain kicked in (it’s a little dim sometimes and takes a while to catch up on current events) and started thinking "Whoa, wait a minute! This stuff just happened last week, in fact...ITS STILL HAPPENING! You can't feel nostalgic, you nut! Hello!!" Funny thing, life.

I look back on the frustrations of my first several years in graduate school and think "those were the days!!" I really do! I could weep a little weep if I thought about it deep enough, those days were really special. Hunh? I must be crazy! I want life to be perfect and lovely and no worries and Will to be wonderful non-stop and I want to go live with the monks and hum all day, no troubles. Ever. ??? Get a life! Of course those were the days, frustration apparently makes life fun, it spices it up and you gain character that way. If you don’t mind, I’d rather get my character at Happyworld while drinking a low-fat strawberry margarita (extra large, if you please).

I'm starting to understand the premise of Jack Nicholson's recent film. What if this really is as good as it gets? Why am I so focused on this perfect future and convinced that today is a horrible trial and must be ‘gotten through.’ Maybe I really will look back on this experience and think that it was a great and wondrous time. I want to enjoy it now, not with the bittersweet reminiscing of tomorrow. I want to remember that I lived every minute of it in the present. Though I may not have necessarily enjoyed every minute of it, I still want to have lived it now, and not be in the future where I always seem to be trying to live. If I'm living in the future, what will I eventually have to look back upon?

When I was in high school, I wrote a poem or a story, I don’t remember which, that involved a concept I liked very much. It said that every experience you have is lovingly tucked away, perhaps unconsciously, into a quiet place. And someday when you are sitting alone and feeling a little chill, you can take out a memory and wrap it warmly around yourself like one of Papa’s afghans. Well, I need to go, got some memories to make.


A dragon lives forever, but not so little boys
Painted wings and giants's rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his lifelong friend, Puff could not be brave
So, Puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave, oh

Puff, the magic dragon, lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honalee.
Puff, the magic dragon, lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honalee.

Puff, The Magic Dragon by Peter, Paul and Mary
posted by Candice at 2:38 PM

 
Today is the day! Will and I are going to move everything from our storage unit into our new home. There may or may not be someone to help us. We are going to do it slow and steady one box, one car at a time :) Doesn't matter if everything isn't moved today, there is plenty of time. The only thing that is essential that we move today is the mattress, so Will and I have a place to sleep tonight. All the utilities in the house are set up except for the phone, so it will be a few days before anyone can get ahold of me. If necessary my pager number is 585-220-1385. Talk to you all later.
posted by Candice at 7:02 AM

 
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Anyone ever seen me really upset? The screaming mad, "I've had it!" kind of upset? I think for me when I'm mad, I look exactly the same as when I'm not. Funny. I wish I could tell you all about why I am mad but it involves my professional life. I am not at liberty to publish those things which involve colleagues or clients. I can, however, talk about how I feel and what I plan to do about it. The basic reason that I am upset is that I have been insulted and a colleague of mine was insulted. I could probably take the insult directed at myself quite well but the subtle attack on my colleague which was indirectly aimed at myself as well, is not going to go down well. I haven't been able to address the issue directly with the offender for various reasons. Part of the problem is that there are a lot of politics involved and I'm not sure who to turn to for help, advice or a outside perspective. I'm going to guess that a professional who has no connection to this place is going to be my best bet. That may cost me some money...oh well. I am learning a great deal about "How to Deal with Difficult People." I really pity this person and can observe some possible symptoms of mental disorders that allow functional operation in a professional setting, but only with a sheer lack of personal rapport. So why do I have to be the one dealing with this person and 'learning about life.' Grrr...

Wrote the above paragraph this afternoon...its about 9:30 now. Lots of thoughts that I want to put down. The first is my good news, I signed a lease tonight!!!! YAY! Whoohoo! I have been living in a hotel for 6 weeks now and am completely ready to settle into a house. This house is part of a duplex and has three bedrooms. I'll be looking for a roomie later to help with the rent. The landlord is wonderful! I can't even begin to tell you all the kind things he has said and done in the few short times I have met him. Most recently tonight he told me that I wouldn't have to pay any rent for Sept...'we will start fresh in Oct' I was floored, it meant a lot to me because money is so tight. The other thing he said tonight was that he was going to ask his neighbor if she would mind if he put up a fence so that my dog could have a place to run around in! For me, that goes above and beyond simple kindness. It was an act of caring for a fellow human being without being concerned about his own benefit. I wanted to shed a few tears at his consideration and am busy trying to think of a way to return his kind thoughts.

For an oddball reason, I was thinking today about why I wasn't in a committed relationship. A friend of mine told me she was dating this very successful man and for a brief moment I felt a little envious. I wondered why I didn't date anyone, especially someone who has attained a professional carreer similar to mine. I guess the thought that ran through my mind first was that 'successful' men only date 'trophy' women (I'm chock full o' stereotypes, which I acknowledge and then discard on a case by case basis). So right now, this is the stereotype that I believe in. I simply cannot imagine someone looking at me and seeing an attractive woman that they might want to date. I don't fit the external profile of a beautiful woman. Everytime I meet someone and begin to imagine that there might be some interest, I am eventually proven wrong. It is incredibly embarassing, even though no one might be aware of my thoughts (can't trust that body language tho...its gotten me in trouble before without my being aware of it). So now when I meet new people and my mind starts imagining the possibilities, I say to myself very very firmly "Stop it! This train of thought can only lead to hurt or embarassment, and you are not the type of woman people are initially attracted to." It saves so much trouble and heartache for me if I can nip my thoughts in the bud.

Now, I know that all that talk makes it look like I am longing for someone to make a commitment with and get married or something...NOT! That would ruin everything. I just want someone to hold my hand when we pick out paint colors for the walls or provide a haven for when Will has been particularly tiresome. My observations of most couples is that they do well as a couple until they are committed...then the whole thing falls apart. I don't want to do that to Will, or myself. I do have a lot more to say on the subject however it is getting way past my bedtime and I still have some things to do before I snore. There's a song that has been running around in my head all day, maybe if I put it down here it'll go away.

Roses are red, dear.
Violets are blue.
Angels in heaven
know I love you.

Angels in heaven
know I love you, dear.
Angels in heaven
know I love you.

Don't know who wrote it or where it came from but I sang it this morning to wake up Will...he seemed to like it. If you know who wrote/sang this song, please e-mail me and I'll post the credits.
posted by Candice at 12:11 PM

 
Has anyone out there in the great big world ever been woken up in a hotel by the manager himself, in person? I had that great priviledge yesterday when my alarm clock went off but my hearing aid wasn't turned on to hear it. I have a big foghorn of an alarm and I'm sure everyone in the hotel next door was awake too. Luckily, I was wearing pj's, which isn't a consistent habit, I'm afraid. A great start to a long day.

The other nice thing about yesterday is that finally after four trips to the shoe store, I found a pair of comfortable, professional looking shoes. It was only through a sheer act of will that I was able to keep Will from destroying the store for the fourth time. I would take my shoe off to try a new one on and Will would take off running and start ripping shoe boxes off the shelf. So there I was running around the store with one shoe off and screaming "nooooo!!" Froogy is in one aisle, my credit cards (which Will likes to play with) are scattered on the floor in another, the shoe I want to try on is on the other side of the store and then Will decides it would be fun to play limp noodle. So, I grab him and hold him on my hip in an arm of steel, he's still playing wet noodle and trying to flop off my arm. I run and grab my credit cards (similar to lunge exercises), I don't even bother with froggy or my other shoe. Run (up, down, up, down...I'm wearing a high heel on one foot) to the shoe I need to try on and hop on one foot while I attempt to put on the 8 1/2 Wide shoe with only three of my fingers, the others are still trying to hold the credit cards. Will is now upside down on my hip, which is not only possible but very typical. I had to reach way down deep inside of me to find the "damn, I'm going to do this come hell or high water" attitude that I discovered on my winter trip. The #$%^ shoe doesn't fit. Size 9 1/2, no. Size 10, still too tight, gotta be comfortable. I am now sweating from the exertion of holding a very squirmy Will and hoping on one foot. Amazingly enough, this shoe comes in a SIZE 11. Where the heck did I get size 11 feet???? Last time I checked they were 8 1/2 wide.

Now for the big finish...Will is ready to start screaming. I grab the box, check the size of the other shoe, readjust my hold on Will, and double check the number of credit cards he is holding (3...good). Run down one aisle, grab Froggy. Run down the next aisle, cram my foot into my old stinky too tight shoe (size 8 1/2, I wonder why it pinches so badly??). Limp over to the single cashier and the 6 people waiting in line. Arghhh! 1/2 hour later, Will is asleep on the floor and the cashier wants to know if my shopping experience was pleasant and satisfactory. The whole thing was like a comic horror scene. What a great day!

Anyway, didn't mean to get so detailed but, man, what a frustrating experience. Work is frustrating too but only because I am so tired that I can't quite think clearly and shaprly as I feel I need to. I did have two wonderful experiences today though. The first occured in my supervisor's office. I was questioning him about how to proceed with a client. His response was that I am the boss now, I need to decide what to do. Next year after internship, there isn't going to be anyone to tell me what to do, I I'd better get used to it!! What an incredible feeling to be fully in charge of what I think might be best course of therapy. Somehow, the added responsibility of improving someone's life makes me very eager to put my complete effort into serving that client. Whereas before, when someone else was telling me what to do, I was able to slack off a bit and not invest as much of my time or effort. It was a neat paradigm shift that I wasn't expecting and will completely change how I approach this internship.

The other really neat thing that happened occured after Will's bath. He was soaking wet and completely wrapped in a towel. He'd been cranky most of the evening and was in the habit of not wanting to be held after a bath (which he used to love). But tonight he snuggled up and let me hold him for quite a while, but the really neat thing was that he put his arms around my neck to hold me really close. I'm not sure he's ever done that before, at least not deliberately. I can still feel his arms on my neck. Nothing can ever be so special as to be loved and needed by a child. It seemed like forever since I have been allowed to hold him that close. I imagine that as Will grows older, it will become rarer. I cherish these few fleeting moments while they occur. Here's a song that makes me cry:

Where are you going
My little one, little one
Where are you going
My baby, my own
Turn around and you’re two
Turn around and you’re four
Turn around and you’re a young [man]
Going out of the door
[...]

Where have they gone
My little ones, little ones
Where have they gone
My babies, my own
Turn around and they’re young
Turn around and they’re old
Turn around and they’re gone
And we’ve no one to hold

Turn around, turn around
Turn around and they’re gone
And we’ve no one to hold

Where are you going
My baby, my own


Turn Around
Sung by Rosemary Clooney
Written by: Harry Belafonte / Alan Greene / Malvina Reynolds
posted by Candice at 7:16 PM

 
serendipity
noun [U]
FORMAL
the lucky tendency to find interesting or valuable things just by chance (Cambridge Dictionaries Online)

I have always loved the concept of Serendipity ever since I first read Serendipity of the Serendipity Book series when I was about 6 or 7. I loved the story of the dragon and I loved the way the word itself felt in my mouth, rolling out in little clips. It was a word, a concept that felt uniquely mine, the special way your birthday month feels when someone says it. Any mention of the word 'October' and my ears perk up...same goes for the word serendipity. I've always found numerous instances throughout my life that seem serendipitous (is that a word?) Perhaps it is because I (erroneously?) apply the word to events as well as things. Take for example my experience in church yesterday. Was it serendipitous that the day I decided to go, was the day they were discussing the issues closest to my heart? Or was it serendipitous that the latecomer who sat next to me was an interpreter and soon became my network for other deaf members of the congregation? How about the time I went to the DMV to register my car and the desk clerk was also involved in the deaf community and invited me to the annual area picnic, thus beginning a new friendship that I had never expected or planned for? What about the fact that my co-intern is also a single mother in a similar predictament? (By the way, we have lots of coffee together!!)How about the best friend of an interpreter who happened to have a house for me to rent in a community that functions similarly to the family I had just left, thereby setting up the possibility of a home-based support, which is so important to me? I guess some would say it was coincidence, or good luck or good things come to those who look for them, or you get what you give, and so on. But it has always seemed somewhat more magical to say that it was serendipity. I think it is mostly a state of mind...if you are open to new people, places and things, then you are likely to find them where you need them. I had a void in my life and serendipity has found a way to fill it.
posted by Candice at 4:33 PM

 
note to myself: thinking about writing something on serendipity tonight
posted by Candice at 11:52 AM

 
Its the end of the day and I just have to toss in a few more words. Today was a blindingly hectic day, and most of it was my own darn fault . I should have prepared better last night. Somehow I guess I got too wrapped up in writing, watching tv and finishing up the laundry that I didn't have the energy to iron my clothes for the next day or be sure everything was ready. That was bad. I got up at 5:30am, a half an hour late. Took too long getting ready and didn't get out the door until almost 7am. I really try to leave no later than 6:15am so that I have time to drop Will off, get some coffee and be at work by 7am. I do this for several reasons. The ultimate reason is so that if anything goes wrong, as it did this morning, I have a good hour to work anything out. The other reason is that it gives me time to go to the gym and work out for 45 minutes or so. I'm hoping to lose some of the fat I've gained over the past four years. Which is about 30 pounds worth...yikes, and quiting smoking isn't going to help that at all. I'm hoping that my hectic schedule will keep me away from food long enough to drop the excess fat. But who knows, maybe eating on the run all the time will actually cause me to gain weight...sigh. One thing I am dearly thankful for is the fact that Will's daycare provides breakfast, lunch and plenty of snacks....his old daycare didn't do that. It was a royal pain in the kiester to prepare all of his food the night before.

Anyway, as I was saying, I didn't get out the door until 7am which meant that I didn't arrive at work until 7:50am, just in time for my 8am meeting. However, this is about the time that I realize I don't have my ID. Grrrrr!!! If I had been ready last night I might have caught that. Now I have to try to navigate work without my electric entry ID. So I've got that on my mind. The other thing that is consuming me is that I needed to get down tot the real estate company to put down a deposit and submit an application for the duplex that I'm hoping to move into soon. My son and I have been living in a hotel for over 6 weeks. I wish I could sue the morgage company that told me they had approved my loan and drug the process out for another month before withdrawing their offer last week at the last minute. Now, here I am two weeks into my internship and I'm still living in a hotel. Oh, I wish I could tell them what a mess they've made of my life. Guess it's my own silly fault for not having a Plan B.

So I spent the morning at work trying not to fall asleep cause I'm so exhausted. Worrying about my work and my supervisor and what he would think if I cut work to take care of this house thing and get my ID. Grrrr...it's 11:30pm now and I have to go to bed...bone am tired. Will try to finish up the story tomorrow...don't let me forget to talk about shoes..my, my I never thought something could be so complicated and frustrating as a pair of shoes.
posted by Candice at 8:48 PM

 
Went to church this morning. Universalist Unitarian something or other. It's strange how every time I go there, the sermon speaks to the issue that I'm grappling with. This week happened to be about friends whom I considered to be closer than family. Somehow, somewhere I've done something to screw up my friendship with them. I honest to goodness wish I knew what I have done. I thought it was all in my mind, but I've been here in town for over a month now and they've not made any gestures of friendship or acknowledged mine. It hurts deeply and has left me a very insecure mess, I'm afraid. Everything in my past is suspect...what have I done? Am I doing it now, am I inconsiderate? rude? do I smell? maybe I talk to much? to loudly? too fat? too inappropriate? I advise people when I start to get to know them...don't ever fall in love with me or care too much, somehow I always end up hurting those close to me. Where are all the classes on Life 101 that tell you about relationships and give you feedback on your behavior? The pain of losing a friend, especially for unknown reasons, has been terrible. I don't trust anyone now. And it makes me angry, I'm not such a horrible person. After all, isn't that what friends are for? to know each other and love each other anyway? There isn't anything I wouldn't have done for my friends. I feel they abandoned me, just after I moved to a strange city with my son, where I don't know anyone else and have now been living in a hotel for over a month. I would be ashamed of myself if I did that to a friend of mine. I'm not asking them to let me move in with them, I'm not that needy. I just want someone to join me in coffee once in a while...support. Is that too much to ask of a friend?

Anyway, I'm not wallowing in self-pity, just letting out some of those emotions that go banging around inside. Seems if you let them out, they don't ricochet quite so much. Other news: Tonight is my fifth smoke-free night. Most of the time it doesn't bother me...I've never felt physically addicted. But, boy I'll tell you, when Will has made mess after mess and is screaming his head off, nothing seems more desirable than to go outside and have a smoke. There's something very satisfying about smoking, makes it seem like I have a handle on life. "I may be killing myself softly, but I'm enjoying the process." If smoking weren’t bad for me, I'd be doing it. But, as it were, it is bad and this is my fifth night, yay me!

Will was particularly trying tonight. I've been trying to do laundry tonight and get ready for the week. It's going to be a long one because in addition to the 50+ work hours, I'll also be moving into an apartment. So I need to hire movers and set up utilities and sign the lease...ad nauseum. So here I am trying to do all this and Will is running around like a maniac, mess to mess to mess and then is constantly on the computer no matter how I try to redirect him. It is all I can do to keep from yelling at him. Last thing I need is for him to see that he has some emotional control over me. How can someone so small drive me to such distraction? And people wonder why I enjoy going to work so much. I get to drop Will off at daycare which is set up distinctly for his enjoyment and education. There he doesn't hear 'no!' quite so much. At work I may be 'cleaning up people's messes' figuratively, but at least there's a time limit on their sessions and I can have a break in between. You know, going to the bathroom privately, without having Will trying to sit on my lap or help me with the toilet paper is such a luxury. I know society expects me to have a guilt trip for leaving my son in daycare so much, but I don't. I leave that up to his father. Whom has never seen Will, ever. Wellll, he did see the ultrasound pictures, does that count? This man has never lifted one finger to help or attempted to support Will in any way. If money weren’t so tight I wouldn't care. In a few years when I have a real job, I won't want the burden of child support. It really eats at me that this guy isn't involved at all. What if in ten years he has an attack of conscience and decides to waltz into Will's life? I want him involved now. Do his parents know? Would they want to be involved? Should I contact them? I try not to think about most of this stuff too often...work really help by keeping me busy.

The Jewish Book of Life is closing soon...I hope that my list of good deeds is longer than my list of bad, even if only by a small margin. I think I did a good deed today, I can't describe it cause I don't want the person to know as it was anonymous...but the good intention was there, I hope they can see that.

Heh, I could go on and on and on but I need to get up in a few short hours. I know this post was long and I expect the next few to be fairly long. I'm hoping that after a few weeks of this that my thoughts will become more focused as I get the bulk of this jumbled mess that is me out onto the post. Sort of a 'purge'. Then maybe someday I'll "Empty the Recycle Bin" and free up all that space inside.


(Note to myself: Nana would like for you to put down the story of your life or death trip to Mystic Lake before you forget too much of it.)
posted by Candice at 9:21 PM

 
Just starting out. Going to test a few ideas. Right now the purpose is to describe some of the daily events and emotions that are occuring for the benefit of friends and family.
posted by Candice at 2:18 PM