Sticky Side of Heaven


Please feel free to respond to any of my thoughts. I love interactive discussion!
My e-mail is liltoad2000@aol.com.

 
Hi all! I know some of you are anxious to hear about what's happened in the past few weeks. Sit tight :) It has been busy around here with conferences, my roomie moving in and getting my office organized and the dissertation up and running again.I'm looking at an incredibly busy holiday season and need to get some serious work done before it arrives! So please be patient and know at all is well here, better than ever actually. Will's language use has exploded! He is putting words together now and signing things as well. Am considering getting children's books in french so that we can learn it together. Hey, that's a good christmas idea for him! :) I can't believe that I will be in Montana in two weeks!! It will be so good to be home! Internship is going very well, I will have a lot to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Hope all is well in your corners of the world. Here is a wonderful e-mail I received from my sister.


ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE
Read all the way to the bottom! If you will take the time to read these. I promise you'll come away withan enlightened perspective. The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis! They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand..

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned..... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbour bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

posted by Candice at 5:38 PM

 
Took Will shopping last night. We desperately needed food, lots of it. So the two of us spent two hours in one of the largest grocery-only stores I have ever been in. I can't tell you enough what a good little boy he is! I don't know how many people can sit in a cart for 2 hours and be pleasant the whole time, a difficult task indeed :) He had cranky moments and mom bought a lot of things that wern't on her list, but it was a fair trade. He is learning lots and lots of new words everyday...let's see "pumpkin, tree, rice, coffee." Oh, I took him to work the other day before taking him to an appointment and he held my coffee cup and walked around the office and offered all the clients a cup of coffee, "coffee? coffee?" Tells you how bad mom's habit is!! Tonight is Halloween and I might take him to the neighbors house to ring the bell but that's it. We will stay home and pass out candy. I'm sure that will be bewildering for him. Not sure how to keep kids from ringing on the bell while I'm putting him to sleep. I'm going to turn the porch light off but I don't know how many that will keep away. Should I put a sign up "Keep Away!! Nasty Witch lives here!!! Ring the bell and Die!" HeeHee! I'd sure have fun making that sign :) The pumpkin I carved last week has caved in a little bit, giving it a wonderful effect of death and decay.

After he's asleep I guess I'll pass out the candy I have untill its all gone. Should take about 5 minutes or so :) I only bought two small bags, however, if I don't pass it all out then I will be the one eating what's left, not a good thing!! Americans spend about 7 billion dollars on halloween, 1.7 billion dollars on candy alone!!!! Halloween is one of my favorite holidays (cause its in my birthday month, of course) but I recoil from the intense merchandising that has sprung up from it. I like carved pumpkins, pumpkin pie and real costumes...the kind that you made at home. Now you go out and by the precarved pumpkin, the prebaked pie, and a $40 costume with a makeup kit. Where's the family involvement? It's my favorite holiday because I have such wondrous memories of it. I think back and remember the colorful cold promise of winter outside, the warmth inside (especially in the kitchen), going to pick out a huge pumpkin with my mom and picking up the smaller sugar pumpkins at the same time. Then learning how to bake the sugar pumpkins while carving the jack o lantern into fantastic faces that I would dream up. Salting and baking the seeds and making pumpkin pie and soup out of the baked pumpkin. I loved adding lots of pumpkin pie spice to everything and then sometimes we would splurge on some early eggnog and I would add the spice to that. "Here, taste some of this eggnog, Jen." "No!" :) It was definitely my favorite time of the year. I hope I can pass some of that on to Will. I like to remind myself of the original reason for the holiday, as a day of the dead, to remember them, respect them and honor them. And then to remember our own mortlity, that this too shall pass, not just in an individual sense but in a world sense. The human race will not last forever and a day. That is harder for me to comprehend than my own mortality. I think I shall light a candle tonight to remind me of all that has passed and all that is yet to be and to remember that the only thing I can hold lightly in my hands is the fleeting moment of today.

I have a lion costume for Will, I will try to take a picture of him before he rips it off :) I do have a lot of undeveloped film as I have been busy taking pictures. I just need to drop it off somewhere!


posted by Candice at 1:47 PM

 
A message from FAB "You hold your children's hand for a little while...their hearts forever...LOVE YA!"

This evening marked a night of contrasts. It has become my custom in the evenings to put Will to bed, work hard on something for a few hours and then spend a short while in my new library cuddled under a warm blanket with a cup of tea and a book. Tonight I popped up a special treat of parmesan popcorn (sorry nana!) and warmed up my footwarmer bean bag for toasty toes. I turned on my CD of very relaxing and mellow bamboo flute music and softened the lights. After a bit of delicious reading, I looked up from my book and discovered how utterly peaceful I felt. This place is shaping up to be a 'home.' I love the feeling of being settled, organized and clean. Sure, I still have work to do but many years ago I mastered the fine art of not letting stuff undone bother me. I can't remember the last time I felt so utterly relaxed and content. All I needed to complete the picture was a purring cat sharing my contentment and warmth and calmness.

I reluctantly got up to prepare everything for tomorow morning's rush. For some reason I was being more meticulous than usual and I decided to try on my choice of outfit and see if it still fit. Fourty five minutes and 12 outfits later I finally gave up and settled on an ratty old sweater I have and some khakis. I'm not sure what the problem exactly was, whether I was seeing all my outfits in a new light or if I had gained a few pounds in the two months that all my clothes were in storage. Needless to say, my feelings of contentment and peace and satisfaction with myself were gone, right off the map.

As I sit here in my plush bathrobe, I feel very comfortable with myself. But put me in 'professional' clothes and force me to look at myself in a mirror, I just want to cry. Can someone tell me what the definition of a professional outfit is??? Is it something that I am comfortable in that I can do my best thinking and thus serve the client best. Or is is something that looks expensive and uncomfortable, like fine silk and linen (and don't make me mention heels)? I'm struggling to find a happy medium between these two points that also will present nicely on my large frame. I bought two rather expensive pair of pants at a large women's store and loved them very much because they were comfortable. I wore them often until I caught a glance in the mirror and got a vivid impression of John Candy's 'fat pants.' They 'bagged' just like his did, in all the wrong places.

Mirrors are nasty little things. I have this gorgeous woman inside of me that floats around gracefully all day long until I catch an eyeful in a mirror and suddenly feel like a clown wearing an inner tube and two float balls in front. The sight of myself is incongruent with how I feel about myself and I haven't been able to reconcile the two. Hmm, I'll figure out something, I guess :)
posted by Candice at 8:52 PM

 
If you are ever thinking about tripping in a parking lot, falling flat on your face, scraping up your knees and in general losing all sense of dignity, then do it on your way to the doctors office. Hey, why not? Its the best way to fit it into a busy day and still nurture yourself. I was on my way to 'demonstrate my compliance to hospital policy by receiving all necessary poisonous injections', it was early in the morning and I had a busy day planned. I’m so glad my coffee container is shatter-proof, my pants are rip free and I have no dignity in general. Anyway, I limped into the dr's office and got all the tender loving care I could hope for. Wellll, the nurse didn't exactly kiss my knee but she did recommend that I use the tape and gauze rather than a Band-Aid so I wouldn't rip all the unshaven hair off my knee. ('Oh my!' she said when she saw all the hair.) I realized immediately that this might potentially be a good reason to shave, kind of like the admonition of always wearing clean underwear in case you have to go to the emergency room. "Always shave in case you have to get your knee bandaged up." What on earth do men do with all that hair on their legs? Poor things! I also pity men in that they will never know the joy of wearing nylons. Although there are a few enlightened men out there who have realized this, they won't tell the rest of them for some reason. I doubt that is popular fodder for the locker room discussion. "Hey dude! Nice toe seam!" "Man, I need a good pair of control tops, this jelly roll of mine is doubling over...do my legs look fat?" If someone would just suggest that nylons under pants are a great way to keep warmer during the winter months, maybe it would catch on more. Wait a minute, isn't that the function of leg hair? Have we women got it all back asswards? Keep the hair, ditch the nylons???

I wish I could go back in time and tell all those '30's flapper girls that they were going astray major when they started wearing hose just so they could shorten their hemlines and still say their legs were covered decently. Then I'd go talk reason to the people running WWII when they requisitioned all the nylon (which is suspicious anyway, there weren't that many women in the army to use up all that nylon, the men must've been keeping warm). So then, the women started to shave to make it look as if they were wearing hose. After I finished with the war, I'd yell for a while at the ditzy women who went back to wearing hose but kept shaving!! Nuts! Don't get me started on Coco Channel and the anti-mushroom, pro-cancer craze she started, the hussy!! Made us all miserable!

Anyway, that wasn't meant to be a rant but I guess it was, how quaint. Especially when there are so many more salient things I could rant about. Like UPS for example. I was reduced to chasing the truck around the neighborhood in my car to get my packages, or rather, a promise to deliver my packages. I didn't have any $100 bills to slip him so I tried to give him an eyefull so he might be interested in coming back and in the meantime, actually deliver my boxes. I won't bore you with the intense details of my Herculean struggles with this giant over the past week, but suffice it to say that after three days of arguing with them, I actually asked them to send the boxes back to where they came from so I could have them shipped via a more accommodating carrier!! They thought that was a good idea! If I hadn't been crazy loco enough to chase a UPS truck like a common dog, that is probably what would be happening right now! Pththth!

I'm liking being on the east coast less and less, even though I am in the western part of New York, there is still very much an east coast attitude here. I've been trying to define east coast attitude for a while now, and the closest I've come is a lack of manners, high-strung personalities, quick to anger, slow to smile or even acknowledge that you exist, and in general a very money-grubbing and scamming attitude here. Take for example the guy with tinted windows on his car who had to reach across and open the passenger door just to yell at another driver and make sure this guy knew how angry he was, and the supermarkets, good grief! They are a free for all! If you get in someone's way, which is constantly the case, you will get some rather nasty looks. I've had people act as if I'm not even there and physically displace me. Everyone is in a hurry, hurry here hurry there! I went to the emergency room with Will, waited for 4 hours, saw the doctor for 5 minutes (literally!) and took home a $370 bill and me with no insurance! Grrrrr! Don't ever ever be a penny short or a second late around here!!

Now, I cannot write that last paragraph without giving a nod to all those here who are truly kind and graceful. Who bring joy and music into Will's life and mine. People out there deliberately act against this overwhelming tide of bad attitude and go out of their way to be exceptionally kind. I do try my darndest to be one of these people. It is hard sometimes when the pressures are getting to me and I really do need to be in a hurry. I may lose my manners but I rarely lose my smile in any kind of direct human contact. I find it immensely difficult to look someone in the eye and not smile or not acknowledge his or her presence. Have you ever seen someone who can be going about their daily life and look right through you when you approach them? What kind of a world do these people live in that has trained them to be this way? What kind of experiences must a person have to think "don't smile or nod because *this* might happen," whatever *this* is, I don't know. All I know is that when I'm interacting with someone, I'd like to have some acknowledgement that I am alive. I like to have a dialogue with someone, not a monologue, I don't want to talk to myself!! I want to talk with you and I want you to talk with me. Sigh.

On the home front, Will has gone to bed at 7:30pm for three days straight with NO fuss. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it, now it'll break the spell, I'll knock on wood! His temper tantrums are becoming fiercer. I'm getting better at ignoring him but it is having an effect on me, I become exasperated easily, but I don't let him know that! He is starting to talk more, repeat more and sign more. You should hear him trying to wrap his mouth around 'bumblebee' or 'helicopter.' So cute! We stayed home last weekend, except for church and a store run. I think he got mighty tired of hanging out with mom :( Oh well. We carved a pumpkin, which was not wholly a pleasant experience as the inside 'guts' were completely rotted. I can still smell it. Took me two hours to scrape all the mold off the insides and then boil it out. We had a pretty cool pumpkin in the end and its been outside rot-free ever since. Not sure if it will last till Halloween...keeping my fingers crossed. Will likes being up on the counters while mom works and will often bump his head on the overhead cabinets. He'll turn around and firmly say "No!" while pointing at the cabinet corner. I constantly have to swallow smiles. Good thing cause with all the coffee I drink, I really should have ulcers. I think the smiles counteract the effects of the caffeine.

Will LOVES wet wipes and will demand one and cry until he gets one. I made the mistake of trying to take him out of the bathroom before he had a chance to wipe down the shelf with his wet wipe, tantrum!

I bought him a potty-chair. He promptly removed the seat and sat inside the bucket as a proper man does (the seat up or down debate, I guess). Loves it, especially the stepstool aspect where he can now reach the sink to play in the water...horrors! This kid will play in water until it has evaporated! Never mind running water! He enjoys copying my morning routine, including putting my eyeliner on. He misses the mark by quite a bit, carefully applying a liberal amount to his chin on top of the layer of chapstick already there. I keep meaning to go to the store and put together a basket of tiny 'man' things for him to play with in the morning, a bottle of diluted aftershave, a comb, an empty razor (is that all????? or am I missing some secret male morning ritual? a small pair of nylons?) He already has his own toothbrush and screams for more toothpaste after the first bit is chewed off. He patiently ignores my offers of floss. I'm not keen on mouthwash. It ruins my morning coffee, so we don't do that. He loves my Oil of Olay and will smear it all over his face. He gave me my foundation brush while I was in the shower the other day, I tossed it on the bath rug only to find it back in my makeup case!!! He had to climb off the toilet and back on again to put it back. The daycare staff tells me that he is constantly putting the toys away.

I'm actually becoming more of a neat person as I've settled into my house, believe it or not. Every night I pick up everything before I go to bed and (Nana will love this part), I always look around before I go up or down the stairs so I'm never empty-handed. This is mostly due to the ultra squeaky stairs, which I avoid using as much as possible. I constantly wipe off the counter and clear the sink. I'm becoming someone I don't recognize! This really struck me the other day when I went into a alternative cafe for a cup of coffee. The person who waited on me had more rings in his body than anyone I've met, he was an Ozzy Osbourne wannabe. But he was nice enough and brewed a fresh pot of coffee for me (their slogan for their coffee was 'don't complain about our coffee, you will be old and weak someday too.') As I was saying before I love to make connections with people and his style didn't turn me off, I grew up with it. But I became acutely aware of how I must look to him, a middle aged professional getting a cup of coffee in a joint that doesn't typically serve coffee. 'She's got it all wrong' he thinks, ' and couldn't possibly understand someone as far out as I am.' He didn't really want to make eye contact either, but did out of a sense of necessity, I could tell I didn't make any other kind of personal human contact with him. I wanted to show him a hairy ankle and say 'I'm alternative too! We're not that different.'

You know what I find funny. Thinking of people in their socks and undies only. Its a great equalizer, even more so than the nude idea and its a little more classy that the 'on the john' visualization. There are still people who look great nude but I'm betting that there are even less people who look good in just their socks and underwear. All of those people are currently featured in Victoria's Secret catalog, so don't get any fantasies that you might be one of these elusive people. Imagine, if you will, George 'W' Bush in just his skivvies and socks. No more leader of the free world, just plain old Bush. Imagine your boss while he's sitting there lecturing, as they inevitably do. And you get a picture that is, I find, funny and a little sad, but always equalizing. They don't seem quite so important. Hair everywhere, especially the unshaven kind, and saggy areas of neon white flab. Sorry, Coco, not everyone gets an even tan all over. This train of thought comes about because I would be mortified if anyone saw me in socks and undies (sorry Will). I can empathize 100% with everyone I imagine in a similar state of affairs (or undress) and it helps me to relate to them. Not as a more sophisticated person, but as someone in this great big boat of life who is going along with them for the ride. It helps me to realize how ridiculous it is to worry about what other people think, because I can guarantee you that someone out there has visualized me in my BVD's. (I feel sorry for them actually) Anyway, to fritter away my precious life with how I will present to people is more than I can bear. I'm not going to spend countless hours of my life balanced on one foot in a slippery tub shaving insignificant hair off my legs, not to mention bits of skin, to avoid the possibility that one morning after glancing at my knee, a nurse I don't even know will say "Oh, my!" Wanna bet she was thinking of her own stubby knee?

posted by Candice at 8:04 PM

 
Unfortunately, this isn't a sweet blog about life's little doings, nor is it a soft blog about my 'woe is me' attitude. This one is about anger...and beauty.

I had all sorts of to-do things planned tonight once Will fell asleep. However, he was exceptionally hard to get to sleep tonight and tested my patience to its limit. More on that in a minute. The end result being, when he finally fell asleep, I had 'lost' two hours of work time that I had counted on. I came downstairs and flipped a mental bird at everything I felt I needed to do, the day-old laundry in the dryer, the food in the kitchen carpet, the half-stained wood shelf project, the toys scattered everywhere, not to mention all the unpacked boxes and endless clutter on the counter. Instead, I had decided to write my blog to help me vent my feelings.

I took off work early today and Will and I went to Wendy's, one of my favorite places to eat. (We don't go there often, I know, I know). I like going there because the staff is friendly and it is very pleasant place to be along with having (I think) good food. Throughout the meal, Will and I were chatting back and forth and laughing. Occasionally, he would lean over and request a hug or a kiss (He's such a sweetheart!). Across the room from us was a man and a woman and two boys, I'd say about age 7. It took me a while to realize that they were dressed in similar shirts and I figured they were twins, nothing extraordinary. My thoughts were rambling on the stressors and joys of twins when I saw the family stand up to go. All of a sudden, I realized that the woman (I'm assuming she was their mother) had kicked one of the boys to get him to stop playing around. Nothing nice and gentle, but a good hard kick, very uncalculated...she forgot she was in a public place. Now she had my full attention and I believe she knew she had my attention. She was very polite all the way out to the car, but she walked like a large woman who thinks she has a lot of power and wants everyone to know it (my humble observation). This type of power is often physical in nature and directed at others to compensate for the lack of or perceived lack of power or control in one's life.

I can't begin to describe all the emotions and thoughts that ran through me in that single moment. Mainly, it felt like she had kicked a part of my soul. It was a feeling that I would do almost anything to prevent, and yet there was absolutely nothing I could do in that moment. It was a very ineffectual feeling. It gave me a flashback to a meeting that I had this morning. We were discussing an assessment case and the patient's history was narrated. Her history was rife with episodes of verbal, physical, emotional and spiritual abuse (no apparent sexual abuse, thank goodness for small favors, right?). This patient, at 47 years old, had numerous, debilitating problems that were most likely due to this dysfunctional upbringing. I remember feeling so ineffectual. If that was my therapy patient, what could I possibly do to help her? There is no cure for this patient, she will never feel 'normal,' whatever that means. I might be able to help her manage some of her symptoms. But she will always carry that baggage, that history of her shaping. A sapling that is forced to bend one way while growing will never straighten as an adult tree, even if the original bending force is removed. I fantasized that it would be most helpful to be able to travel back through time 40 years and help that little girl whose own grandmother would hold her upside-down by her ankles and bash her head against the floor.

People were outraged recently when a mother was caught on tape hitting her little girl. 'Of course, only a truly depraved person could do such a horrible thing'. Wait a minute....stop and think here. Have you never, ever, ever felt that kind of rage? All of us have done something, at one point or another, that if caught on tape, would be upseting. Not necessarily that beating-type of incident, but none-the-less, we all have our secret moments. I'm not justifying what this mother did, but I am asking you (and myself) not to judge until you have met this mother and heard her story. Maybe she was beaten every day since she can remember and that is an acceptable thing to do in her family. Maybe she was under the influence of drugs or medication. Maybe, just maybe, no one ever bothered to take her hand and teach or model to her some appropriate coping behaviors to use when under stress and she had no other way of expressing her feelings. My heart just aches for the mother, as well as the child, as well as for the family in Wendy's. I know I may not be the best therapist because when a patient shares his or her deepest pains, I am right there and just as liable to cry alongside them as I am doing now. Being an empath can be a terrible burden but it can also be enlightening and a way to create bridges and understandings.

So now I've spoken about both sides of pain, inflicting and receiving. In my role as a counselor, I constantly struggle with the fact that the pain I'm trying to heal has already happened. My futile frustration is that I can never make it so that the pain was never there, never completely smooth those scars away. But where would we be without those scars...they add character and build strength, they are what makes each of us uniquely individual. Think back to your own moments of pain, how have they shaped you? Would you have the depth of character that you do now without those moments? Would you have any understanding or comprehension of other's pain without having experienced your own? Indeed, would you have anything to talk about with other people if you had no painful memories? The most fascinating people are those who can talk about great pain and how they learned and grew from it. Their souls shine through with great strength. Think of David Pelzer, author of 'A Boy Called It,' or Anne Frank and Eli Wiesel, who both suffered in the holocaust, or Rosa Parks. It doesn't have to be that dramatic. I think back on my own life and perceive that I have experienced pain that, on first thought, I would rather not have experienced. After thinking about it, I cam e to the conclusion, that I would not be the person I am today without that pain, without my scars. When people tell me I am beautiful, I try to listen and remember that the absence of scars does not equal beauty.

The patients I see are the ones whose souls are so disfigured with scars, that they believe they don't know what a beautiful soul feels like, or how it functions. They are unable to be complete, functioning members of society, or fully able to share their pain to help others because of how they perceive themselves. The good news is that, often, this is simply a matter of perception. I can help people who firmly believe their souls are ugly and help them see the beauty and rejoice in themselves and help them to share that beauty with others (easier said than done!!). I need to emphasize that beauty is not the absence of scars or wrinkles or all those things we consider to be negative in our externally-obsessed culture. Beauty is the character that living a full life brings to each person. Try it...the next time you recoil from a person's external appearance or unexplained behavior, look into their eyes and dare to find out who they really are. Maybe they will turn out to be ugly inside, if so, send them along to me. More than likely, I find that people are like raw gold, you have to dig and pan a little to find the beauty, but its there if you are willing to look. So what makes one person's soul grow more beautiful from pain and another's grow more horrifying, either pulling the pain upon themselves or inflicting it upon weaker beings? I don't know, I'm only human and facing my own pains. And facing the real possibility that I may knowingly or unknowlingly cause Will to experience his own pains.

All these thoughts have raced through my head in a matter of minutes back in Wendy's. Then I start rationalizing..."I would never have the inclination to do that" (remember, this is in Wendy's, with Will in a pleasant mood and giving me hugs occasionally.) "I've been angry with Will before but I've never been tempted to do anything other than gently swat his diapered bottom." (Is that why he never minds me?) To be honest here, I don't believe I would ever kick another person deliberately, let alone a child. However, I cannot claim to be innocent of the frustration that these mothers may have been feeling during their horrific acts.

Tonight was a case-in-point. After an hour and a half of Will getting in and out of bed, up and down and kicking me and crying and me reading to him and singing to him and gently re-directing him back to his pillow, I realized how much time had gone by and how much work I wasn't going to get done and if I stayed up to do it all, then I would lose out on my own precious sleep time and I began to get really angry and frustrated. Logically, what was going through my mind was that "Will is in the process of learning how to go to bed and it is my fault for not teaching him how to do it properly, I need to go research and find an appropriate approach to bedtime that will make this process easier." Emotionally, it was a whole different ballgame. I was beginning to get furious and was less and less able to redirect him without showing him that I was upset. However, the main difference between these other moms and me is that I have a better self-detection and redirection method than they. I recognized that I was seriously upset and reviewed my options (none of which involved Will). I could leave and go down the stairs (but he might fall down them), I could take out my anger physically and punch a wall (I know that would feel so good, but I can't afford the emergency room charges to fix my hand or the landlord charges to fix the wall), I could take Will back downstairs with me and try to work on chores (I've already done this once, it didn't work and it was almost 10pm). I finally decided on turning my back to Will in the bed, letting him kick my back non-stop, taking nice calming breaths, and composing the beginning of this blog in my head. It was eventually effective in getting Will to fall asleep but it did nothing to ease the frustration I felt. Typing this blog is what has immensely helped me to end a frustrating and anger-filled day on a more positive feel. Those who know me will understand that anger is not a defining point in my personality and I believe that they would have difficulty coming up with a time when I have displayed anger physically. I am grateful for this medium to express my feelings and thank you to those who have made it thus far. It was not an easy blog to write and probably not an easy one to read. Thank you.

"Never dismiss a person's dreams, they may be all that person has to hold on to." Unknown Author.

posted by Candice at 7:08 PM

 
Hello, hello! The house is starting to take shape. I have half the boxes unpacked, all of the essentials. The rest of the boxes are full of books (about 20 of them!!) and miscellaneous decorative stuff that I will get to eventually. My kitchen is almost done...I need to get the empty boxes out of here and a few things that are going to go in different rooms. The biggest impediment to putting away stuff is having something to put my stuff in. George Carlin does a great skit on storing stuff and I think of it often and smile when I am going through my stuff. It also helps to remember that a lot of this stuff is not important so I am trying to 'weed' out my collection of stuff. We are sleeping in a real bed tonight for the first time on the second floor. Wahoo!

Will is developing in leaps and bounds! First, the amazing thing is that he has not been sick once since we have been here (of course, now that I mention it...) My dear friend Fabiana has placed her daughter in daycare for the first time this year. Her daughter, Cata, has been seemingly non-stop sick since she started and Fabi is exhausted most of the time. I am so glad that I went through that ordeal when I did last year. He is starting to develop a larger vocabulary. It is probably larger than I think because I can't understand much of what he is babbling about. I do know he knows most of what I am saying though, and will nod or cry in response. He tries to dress himself but will still allow me to dress him. He is independent in many ways but not to the point of frustration for me :) It does help that I usually put his outfits on the night before (the soft comfy ones anyway). He loves taking baths and doesn't care if its the tub or the sink. He actually indicated that he was ready for a bath long before I was even thinking about it. He will taste anything I am eating, though he doesn't like much of it, he will often give it two or three tries before rejecting things completely. He is starting to say please and thank you spontaneously and will consistently repeat it after me. Blewe away the other day when he demanded a bottle of hand cleaner off of the counter and played with it for a while. I found it later under the sink where it belonged. He loves to clean with wet wipes and will become furious if he can't have one immediately upon request. Best of all, he is a great hugger and loves to give long tight squeezes. He will stop his playing once in a while to toddle over and hug my leg for a moment and then go back to playing. All the girls at daycare seem to love him, he always blows kisses goodbye and will sometimes run back for a quick hug before leaving. Everyday when I go to pick him up and he sees me for the first time, his face just lights up and his mouth forms a smiling 'O' and he charges towards me for a big bear hug. I love it. Love it, love it, love it! I love waking him up in the morning, grumpy at first but then turning into kisses and tickles and giggles. Then he will start talking as if he was telling me about his dream and I'll tell him that I missed him while he was sleeping. He'll do something silly and I'll tell him he's a nut, but reassure him that everyone loves a nut! When he is naughty, I'll call him a twerp and remind myself that he has not yet developed judgement. Once in a while I will raise my voice to prevent an accident 'hey!' or 'no!' 'Accident" means dumping his juice into his dinner plate or emptying a bag of pretzels on the floor. So far, I have managed to set up the house so that there is not much he could get into trouble with...the stairs are the most dangerous thing right now and when I am more sure of my financial situation I will go and purchase a good gate for the top of the stairs. This is especially crucial now that we are sleeping on the second floor. There is no water to fall into or plugs to put a finger in. I cook on the back burners of the stove. The oven is new and the door doesn't get hot, and when the door is open, he avoids it like the plague, hates it actually (Hot!, Hot!) He can't get out into the street unless I open the door. Nothing to trip over or choke on. He could fall off the counter while he is eating as I don't have a high chair, or table and chairs to eat on, however, I am right there eating my dinner too. What else? I never open the bathroom window on the second floor as it does not have a screen. However, the screens on the bedroom windows should not be trusted, I wonder if there's anything I can install to prevent the possobility of him pushing them out?? There are roofs under each window, which might look tempting to a budding climber. I'm afraid that he might wake up while I am downstairs working and silently climb out of bed and head outside. Not likely, but what if? Several times a day a horror scene will pop into my head of something bad happening and I will have to face life without him and it terrifies me. I have thought like this since before he was born...it will never end, will it? My heart is walking around outside my body and there's nothing I can do about it.

A few quick things that I could expand on later, send me a note to tell me which ones you want.
1. I ran into my friends the other night in the most outrageous coincidence.
2. I'm wondering if the things I am writing here are begining to sound redundant. They are thoughts that I have often and writing really makes it obvious to me that I go round and round on issues without resolving them.
3. Internship is not at all like I have heard it to be. I was imagining it to be incredibly stressful, however I am finding that 'I've tried the shoe on and it fits.' I like what I am doing and for the first time in 7 years I'm thinking that I really did go into the right profession. Remember, I believe the secret of life is a comfortable pair of shoes :)
4. Every week at church the minister (pastor/father/grand poohbah? a wonderful and inspiring man, whatever his title is) tells us that we drink from wells we have not dug, warm ourselves besides fires we have not kindled, and we stand on the shoulders of all who have gone before. It makes me realize that I have never had an original thought in my entire life. Neither have you.
5. Will and I are going to a cabin this weekend and if you are interested in seeing pictures of it, type in this website: www.bluebirdbungalow.com
6. I took a personality test for one of my seminars and found the results quite interesting. I can post some of the statements and see if you agree.


posted by Candice at 6:30 PM

 
Hey, just so you know, I really am a creative person. Every day I constantly think of cool and neat things to write in this space. However, when it comes to sitting down in front of the screen, I draw a total blank. Sigh...I just lost a page of writing, I need to figure out a better way of writing so I don't risk losing what I write before it is posted.

Anyone else have a strange week? One of those weeks where on Tuesday you could swear it felt like it should be Friday? Today feels stretched and thin, like we've gone beyond the boundaries of the week. Tomorrow might be right out of the twilight zone. Its that subconscious feeling that I've had ever since getting up, that I should have gone straight back to bed, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Everything goes wrong or is just plain odd or out of place...the day just doesn't sit on your shoulders right. From dropping my comb several times while brushing my hair to hitting every red light to saying the wrong thing in meetings.

*Warning* This is going to be a 'pity me' paragraph, skip if you don't have a strong stomach. I have a gorgeous italian co-intern whom I love dearly. We've only known each other for a few weeks but already she is a close friend, as we seem to have a lot in common. Our favorite stereotype is 'Single mothers are cheap to please.' However, it seems I'm a little cheaper than most. Tell me if you think my perspective on this is right (I'm thinking that I've finally caught my PMS depression red-handed here). This gorgeous woman has her daughter's daycare all paid for ($700/month) by the father. Her boyfriend insists on paying for a babysitter to visit every night and for a cleaning woman to come once a week. She has the time and money to have her hair done and lots of other beauty stuff. I'm lucky if I get a shower and am living off of my credit card. Once that is used up, I guess I'll try to get a loan on my car. My other friends take their clothes to the dry cleaners. I stay up late to wash and iron my clothes in the creepiest basement you've ever gotten goosebumps in. Others can go out to dinner and movies on a whim. I gave away my tv because it took up too much of my time. And forget the movies, I can't even hear them. So, I feel bad about all of this and then I feel worse because I do have so much going for me and I shouldn't be feeling bad. Who am I to complain? I could tell the tale of any of my clients and its always going to be much much worse. I have a beautiful and wonderful son. I have a house that I pay less than market value rent for. I'm involved in deaf culture, which gives my life a variety and richness it never would have had otherwise. So what if I'm stinky and tired once in a while...or my clothes are slightly wrinkled (heavens! I sound like a patient). I think I've mentioned in here that my life is pretty great most of the time. I now have a comfortable pair of shoes...makes me very happy. Which leads me to believe that my sadness right now is chemical, so I need to be understanding and supportive. Ice cream sounds nice. Hot bath, maybe, depends on Will. Good book, if I can stay awake long enough. Hmm...maybe I'll survive the night.

BTW: Will discovered his pockets yesterday! It was the cutest thing. He strolled around with both of his hands deep in his pockets, looking like a little Charlie Chaplin. We watched Dumbo at a friend's house the other night...I cried at the sad scenes like I always do while Will made truck noises while 'driving' blocks around completely oblivious to the movie. I'm glad we don't have a tv, I don't want to train him to watch it.

I also wanted to add to the serendipity discussion two things that happened this week. You tell me if they are serendipitous or just plain coincidence. The very first piece of mail I received in my new house was a catalog from H.S. Trask, a prestigious shoe company that is based in my little hometown. It was addressed to the previous occupant. How weird is that? The other coincidence.....I can't remember! Yikes. Is that serendipitous for you guys?
posted by Candice at 11:31 AM

 
(This is literally the FOURTH time I am writing this blog. My previous blogs have been wiped out by various computer errors....grrr, my swear limit for the day was broken a long time ago!)

It's been a few days since I've been on blogger (2 days, I think) and I was re-reading my old posts and laughing and feeling a bit nostalgic. Then my brain kicked in (it’s a little dim sometimes and takes a while to catch up on current events) and started thinking "Whoa, wait a minute! This stuff just happened last week, in fact...ITS STILL HAPPENING! You can't feel nostalgic, you nut! Hello!!" Funny thing, life.

I look back on the frustrations of my first several years in graduate school and think "those were the days!!" I really do! I could weep a little weep if I thought about it deep enough, those days were really special. Hunh? I must be crazy! I want life to be perfect and lovely and no worries and Will to be wonderful non-stop and I want to go live with the monks and hum all day, no troubles. Ever. ??? Get a life! Of course those were the days, frustration apparently makes life fun, it spices it up and you gain character that way. If you don’t mind, I’d rather get my character at Happyworld while drinking a low-fat strawberry margarita (extra large, if you please).

I'm starting to understand the premise of Jack Nicholson's recent film. What if this really is as good as it gets? Why am I so focused on this perfect future and convinced that today is a horrible trial and must be ‘gotten through.’ Maybe I really will look back on this experience and think that it was a great and wondrous time. I want to enjoy it now, not with the bittersweet reminiscing of tomorrow. I want to remember that I lived every minute of it in the present. Though I may not have necessarily enjoyed every minute of it, I still want to have lived it now, and not be in the future where I always seem to be trying to live. If I'm living in the future, what will I eventually have to look back upon?

When I was in high school, I wrote a poem or a story, I don’t remember which, that involved a concept I liked very much. It said that every experience you have is lovingly tucked away, perhaps unconsciously, into a quiet place. And someday when you are sitting alone and feeling a little chill, you can take out a memory and wrap it warmly around yourself like one of Papa’s afghans. Well, I need to go, got some memories to make.


A dragon lives forever, but not so little boys
Painted wings and giants's rings make way for other toys.
One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his lifelong friend, Puff could not be brave
So, Puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave, oh

Puff, the magic dragon, lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honalee.
Puff, the magic dragon, lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honalee.

Puff, The Magic Dragon by Peter, Paul and Mary
posted by Candice at 2:38 PM

 
Today is the day! Will and I are going to move everything from our storage unit into our new home. There may or may not be someone to help us. We are going to do it slow and steady one box, one car at a time :) Doesn't matter if everything isn't moved today, there is plenty of time. The only thing that is essential that we move today is the mattress, so Will and I have a place to sleep tonight. All the utilities in the house are set up except for the phone, so it will be a few days before anyone can get ahold of me. If necessary my pager number is 585-220-1385. Talk to you all later.
posted by Candice at 7:02 AM

 
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Anyone ever seen me really upset? The screaming mad, "I've had it!" kind of upset? I think for me when I'm mad, I look exactly the same as when I'm not. Funny. I wish I could tell you all about why I am mad but it involves my professional life. I am not at liberty to publish those things which involve colleagues or clients. I can, however, talk about how I feel and what I plan to do about it. The basic reason that I am upset is that I have been insulted and a colleague of mine was insulted. I could probably take the insult directed at myself quite well but the subtle attack on my colleague which was indirectly aimed at myself as well, is not going to go down well. I haven't been able to address the issue directly with the offender for various reasons. Part of the problem is that there are a lot of politics involved and I'm not sure who to turn to for help, advice or a outside perspective. I'm going to guess that a professional who has no connection to this place is going to be my best bet. That may cost me some money...oh well. I am learning a great deal about "How to Deal with Difficult People." I really pity this person and can observe some possible symptoms of mental disorders that allow functional operation in a professional setting, but only with a sheer lack of personal rapport. So why do I have to be the one dealing with this person and 'learning about life.' Grrr...

Wrote the above paragraph this afternoon...its about 9:30 now. Lots of thoughts that I want to put down. The first is my good news, I signed a lease tonight!!!! YAY! Whoohoo! I have been living in a hotel for 6 weeks now and am completely ready to settle into a house. This house is part of a duplex and has three bedrooms. I'll be looking for a roomie later to help with the rent. The landlord is wonderful! I can't even begin to tell you all the kind things he has said and done in the few short times I have met him. Most recently tonight he told me that I wouldn't have to pay any rent for Sept...'we will start fresh in Oct' I was floored, it meant a lot to me because money is so tight. The other thing he said tonight was that he was going to ask his neighbor if she would mind if he put up a fence so that my dog could have a place to run around in! For me, that goes above and beyond simple kindness. It was an act of caring for a fellow human being without being concerned about his own benefit. I wanted to shed a few tears at his consideration and am busy trying to think of a way to return his kind thoughts.

For an oddball reason, I was thinking today about why I wasn't in a committed relationship. A friend of mine told me she was dating this very successful man and for a brief moment I felt a little envious. I wondered why I didn't date anyone, especially someone who has attained a professional carreer similar to mine. I guess the thought that ran through my mind first was that 'successful' men only date 'trophy' women (I'm chock full o' stereotypes, which I acknowledge and then discard on a case by case basis). So right now, this is the stereotype that I believe in. I simply cannot imagine someone looking at me and seeing an attractive woman that they might want to date. I don't fit the external profile of a beautiful woman. Everytime I meet someone and begin to imagine that there might be some interest, I am eventually proven wrong. It is incredibly embarassing, even though no one might be aware of my thoughts (can't trust that body language tho...its gotten me in trouble before without my being aware of it). So now when I meet new people and my mind starts imagining the possibilities, I say to myself very very firmly "Stop it! This train of thought can only lead to hurt or embarassment, and you are not the type of woman people are initially attracted to." It saves so much trouble and heartache for me if I can nip my thoughts in the bud.

Now, I know that all that talk makes it look like I am longing for someone to make a commitment with and get married or something...NOT! That would ruin everything. I just want someone to hold my hand when we pick out paint colors for the walls or provide a haven for when Will has been particularly tiresome. My observations of most couples is that they do well as a couple until they are committed...then the whole thing falls apart. I don't want to do that to Will, or myself. I do have a lot more to say on the subject however it is getting way past my bedtime and I still have some things to do before I snore. There's a song that has been running around in my head all day, maybe if I put it down here it'll go away.

Roses are red, dear.
Violets are blue.
Angels in heaven
know I love you.

Angels in heaven
know I love you, dear.
Angels in heaven
know I love you.

Don't know who wrote it or where it came from but I sang it this morning to wake up Will...he seemed to like it. If you know who wrote/sang this song, please e-mail me and I'll post the credits.
posted by Candice at 12:11 PM

 
Has anyone out there in the great big world ever been woken up in a hotel by the manager himself, in person? I had that great priviledge yesterday when my alarm clock went off but my hearing aid wasn't turned on to hear it. I have a big foghorn of an alarm and I'm sure everyone in the hotel next door was awake too. Luckily, I was wearing pj's, which isn't a consistent habit, I'm afraid. A great start to a long day.

The other nice thing about yesterday is that finally after four trips to the shoe store, I found a pair of comfortable, professional looking shoes. It was only through a sheer act of will that I was able to keep Will from destroying the store for the fourth time. I would take my shoe off to try a new one on and Will would take off running and start ripping shoe boxes off the shelf. So there I was running around the store with one shoe off and screaming "nooooo!!" Froogy is in one aisle, my credit cards (which Will likes to play with) are scattered on the floor in another, the shoe I want to try on is on the other side of the store and then Will decides it would be fun to play limp noodle. So, I grab him and hold him on my hip in an arm of steel, he's still playing wet noodle and trying to flop off my arm. I run and grab my credit cards (similar to lunge exercises), I don't even bother with froggy or my other shoe. Run (up, down, up, down...I'm wearing a high heel on one foot) to the shoe I need to try on and hop on one foot while I attempt to put on the 8 1/2 Wide shoe with only three of my fingers, the others are still trying to hold the credit cards. Will is now upside down on my hip, which is not only possible but very typical. I had to reach way down deep inside of me to find the "damn, I'm going to do this come hell or high water" attitude that I discovered on my winter trip. The #$%^ shoe doesn't fit. Size 9 1/2, no. Size 10, still too tight, gotta be comfortable. I am now sweating from the exertion of holding a very squirmy Will and hoping on one foot. Amazingly enough, this shoe comes in a SIZE 11. Where the heck did I get size 11 feet???? Last time I checked they were 8 1/2 wide.

Now for the big finish...Will is ready to start screaming. I grab the box, check the size of the other shoe, readjust my hold on Will, and double check the number of credit cards he is holding (3...good). Run down one aisle, grab Froggy. Run down the next aisle, cram my foot into my old stinky too tight shoe (size 8 1/2, I wonder why it pinches so badly??). Limp over to the single cashier and the 6 people waiting in line. Arghhh! 1/2 hour later, Will is asleep on the floor and the cashier wants to know if my shopping experience was pleasant and satisfactory. The whole thing was like a comic horror scene. What a great day!

Anyway, didn't mean to get so detailed but, man, what a frustrating experience. Work is frustrating too but only because I am so tired that I can't quite think clearly and shaprly as I feel I need to. I did have two wonderful experiences today though. The first occured in my supervisor's office. I was questioning him about how to proceed with a client. His response was that I am the boss now, I need to decide what to do. Next year after internship, there isn't going to be anyone to tell me what to do, I I'd better get used to it!! What an incredible feeling to be fully in charge of what I think might be best course of therapy. Somehow, the added responsibility of improving someone's life makes me very eager to put my complete effort into serving that client. Whereas before, when someone else was telling me what to do, I was able to slack off a bit and not invest as much of my time or effort. It was a neat paradigm shift that I wasn't expecting and will completely change how I approach this internship.

The other really neat thing that happened occured after Will's bath. He was soaking wet and completely wrapped in a towel. He'd been cranky most of the evening and was in the habit of not wanting to be held after a bath (which he used to love). But tonight he snuggled up and let me hold him for quite a while, but the really neat thing was that he put his arms around my neck to hold me really close. I'm not sure he's ever done that before, at least not deliberately. I can still feel his arms on my neck. Nothing can ever be so special as to be loved and needed by a child. It seemed like forever since I have been allowed to hold him that close. I imagine that as Will grows older, it will become rarer. I cherish these few fleeting moments while they occur. Here's a song that makes me cry:

Where are you going
My little one, little one
Where are you going
My baby, my own
Turn around and you’re two
Turn around and you’re four
Turn around and you’re a young [man]
Going out of the door
[...]

Where have they gone
My little ones, little ones
Where have they gone
My babies, my own
Turn around and they’re young
Turn around and they’re old
Turn around and they’re gone
And we’ve no one to hold

Turn around, turn around
Turn around and they’re gone
And we’ve no one to hold

Where are you going
My baby, my own


Turn Around
Sung by Rosemary Clooney
Written by: Harry Belafonte / Alan Greene / Malvina Reynolds
posted by Candice at 7:16 PM

 
serendipity
noun [U]
FORMAL
the lucky tendency to find interesting or valuable things just by chance (Cambridge Dictionaries Online)

I have always loved the concept of Serendipity ever since I first read Serendipity of the Serendipity Book series when I was about 6 or 7. I loved the story of the dragon and I loved the way the word itself felt in my mouth, rolling out in little clips. It was a word, a concept that felt uniquely mine, the special way your birthday month feels when someone says it. Any mention of the word 'October' and my ears perk up...same goes for the word serendipity. I've always found numerous instances throughout my life that seem serendipitous (is that a word?) Perhaps it is because I (erroneously?) apply the word to events as well as things. Take for example my experience in church yesterday. Was it serendipitous that the day I decided to go, was the day they were discussing the issues closest to my heart? Or was it serendipitous that the latecomer who sat next to me was an interpreter and soon became my network for other deaf members of the congregation? How about the time I went to the DMV to register my car and the desk clerk was also involved in the deaf community and invited me to the annual area picnic, thus beginning a new friendship that I had never expected or planned for? What about the fact that my co-intern is also a single mother in a similar predictament? (By the way, we have lots of coffee together!!)How about the best friend of an interpreter who happened to have a house for me to rent in a community that functions similarly to the family I had just left, thereby setting up the possibility of a home-based support, which is so important to me? I guess some would say it was coincidence, or good luck or good things come to those who look for them, or you get what you give, and so on. But it has always seemed somewhat more magical to say that it was serendipity. I think it is mostly a state of mind...if you are open to new people, places and things, then you are likely to find them where you need them. I had a void in my life and serendipity has found a way to fill it.
posted by Candice at 4:33 PM

 
note to myself: thinking about writing something on serendipity tonight
posted by Candice at 11:52 AM

 
Its the end of the day and I just have to toss in a few more words. Today was a blindingly hectic day, and most of it was my own darn fault . I should have prepared better last night. Somehow I guess I got too wrapped up in writing, watching tv and finishing up the laundry that I didn't have the energy to iron my clothes for the next day or be sure everything was ready. That was bad. I got up at 5:30am, a half an hour late. Took too long getting ready and didn't get out the door until almost 7am. I really try to leave no later than 6:15am so that I have time to drop Will off, get some coffee and be at work by 7am. I do this for several reasons. The ultimate reason is so that if anything goes wrong, as it did this morning, I have a good hour to work anything out. The other reason is that it gives me time to go to the gym and work out for 45 minutes or so. I'm hoping to lose some of the fat I've gained over the past four years. Which is about 30 pounds worth...yikes, and quiting smoking isn't going to help that at all. I'm hoping that my hectic schedule will keep me away from food long enough to drop the excess fat. But who knows, maybe eating on the run all the time will actually cause me to gain weight...sigh. One thing I am dearly thankful for is the fact that Will's daycare provides breakfast, lunch and plenty of snacks....his old daycare didn't do that. It was a royal pain in the kiester to prepare all of his food the night before.

Anyway, as I was saying, I didn't get out the door until 7am which meant that I didn't arrive at work until 7:50am, just in time for my 8am meeting. However, this is about the time that I realize I don't have my ID. Grrrrr!!! If I had been ready last night I might have caught that. Now I have to try to navigate work without my electric entry ID. So I've got that on my mind. The other thing that is consuming me is that I needed to get down tot the real estate company to put down a deposit and submit an application for the duplex that I'm hoping to move into soon. My son and I have been living in a hotel for over 6 weeks. I wish I could sue the morgage company that told me they had approved my loan and drug the process out for another month before withdrawing their offer last week at the last minute. Now, here I am two weeks into my internship and I'm still living in a hotel. Oh, I wish I could tell them what a mess they've made of my life. Guess it's my own silly fault for not having a Plan B.

So I spent the morning at work trying not to fall asleep cause I'm so exhausted. Worrying about my work and my supervisor and what he would think if I cut work to take care of this house thing and get my ID. Grrrr...it's 11:30pm now and I have to go to bed...bone am tired. Will try to finish up the story tomorrow...don't let me forget to talk about shoes..my, my I never thought something could be so complicated and frustrating as a pair of shoes.
posted by Candice at 8:48 PM

 
Went to church this morning. Universalist Unitarian something or other. It's strange how every time I go there, the sermon speaks to the issue that I'm grappling with. This week happened to be about friends whom I considered to be closer than family. Somehow, somewhere I've done something to screw up my friendship with them. I honest to goodness wish I knew what I have done. I thought it was all in my mind, but I've been here in town for over a month now and they've not made any gestures of friendship or acknowledged mine. It hurts deeply and has left me a very insecure mess, I'm afraid. Everything in my past is suspect...what have I done? Am I doing it now, am I inconsiderate? rude? do I smell? maybe I talk to much? to loudly? too fat? too inappropriate? I advise people when I start to get to know them...don't ever fall in love with me or care too much, somehow I always end up hurting those close to me. Where are all the classes on Life 101 that tell you about relationships and give you feedback on your behavior? The pain of losing a friend, especially for unknown reasons, has been terrible. I don't trust anyone now. And it makes me angry, I'm not such a horrible person. After all, isn't that what friends are for? to know each other and love each other anyway? There isn't anything I wouldn't have done for my friends. I feel they abandoned me, just after I moved to a strange city with my son, where I don't know anyone else and have now been living in a hotel for over a month. I would be ashamed of myself if I did that to a friend of mine. I'm not asking them to let me move in with them, I'm not that needy. I just want someone to join me in coffee once in a while...support. Is that too much to ask of a friend?

Anyway, I'm not wallowing in self-pity, just letting out some of those emotions that go banging around inside. Seems if you let them out, they don't ricochet quite so much. Other news: Tonight is my fifth smoke-free night. Most of the time it doesn't bother me...I've never felt physically addicted. But, boy I'll tell you, when Will has made mess after mess and is screaming his head off, nothing seems more desirable than to go outside and have a smoke. There's something very satisfying about smoking, makes it seem like I have a handle on life. "I may be killing myself softly, but I'm enjoying the process." If smoking weren’t bad for me, I'd be doing it. But, as it were, it is bad and this is my fifth night, yay me!

Will was particularly trying tonight. I've been trying to do laundry tonight and get ready for the week. It's going to be a long one because in addition to the 50+ work hours, I'll also be moving into an apartment. So I need to hire movers and set up utilities and sign the lease...ad nauseum. So here I am trying to do all this and Will is running around like a maniac, mess to mess to mess and then is constantly on the computer no matter how I try to redirect him. It is all I can do to keep from yelling at him. Last thing I need is for him to see that he has some emotional control over me. How can someone so small drive me to such distraction? And people wonder why I enjoy going to work so much. I get to drop Will off at daycare which is set up distinctly for his enjoyment and education. There he doesn't hear 'no!' quite so much. At work I may be 'cleaning up people's messes' figuratively, but at least there's a time limit on their sessions and I can have a break in between. You know, going to the bathroom privately, without having Will trying to sit on my lap or help me with the toilet paper is such a luxury. I know society expects me to have a guilt trip for leaving my son in daycare so much, but I don't. I leave that up to his father. Whom has never seen Will, ever. Wellll, he did see the ultrasound pictures, does that count? This man has never lifted one finger to help or attempted to support Will in any way. If money weren’t so tight I wouldn't care. In a few years when I have a real job, I won't want the burden of child support. It really eats at me that this guy isn't involved at all. What if in ten years he has an attack of conscience and decides to waltz into Will's life? I want him involved now. Do his parents know? Would they want to be involved? Should I contact them? I try not to think about most of this stuff too often...work really help by keeping me busy.

The Jewish Book of Life is closing soon...I hope that my list of good deeds is longer than my list of bad, even if only by a small margin. I think I did a good deed today, I can't describe it cause I don't want the person to know as it was anonymous...but the good intention was there, I hope they can see that.

Heh, I could go on and on and on but I need to get up in a few short hours. I know this post was long and I expect the next few to be fairly long. I'm hoping that after a few weeks of this that my thoughts will become more focused as I get the bulk of this jumbled mess that is me out onto the post. Sort of a 'purge'. Then maybe someday I'll "Empty the Recycle Bin" and free up all that space inside.


(Note to myself: Nana would like for you to put down the story of your life or death trip to Mystic Lake before you forget too much of it.)
posted by Candice at 9:21 PM

 
Just starting out. Going to test a few ideas. Right now the purpose is to describe some of the daily events and emotions that are occuring for the benefit of friends and family.
posted by Candice at 2:18 PM